where I am now

Some days, I have no idea where I am or how I got here. Not in a mental breakdown kind of way, just in a "wait, this is me? This is my life?" kind of way.

But I love it. I love almost every minute of it. Except for the moments where I feel guilty about it. Where I feel like I have it too easy and soon I'll pay the price for working my 24 hour work weeks at my easy-but-never-boring job, for eating delicious meals that I'm only responsible for preparing on Thursdays, for taking advantage of the fact that I can leave for the night to visit my boyfriend and one of my roommates will let the dog out in the morning.

I have no money. Most of the time I don't take notice of this fact, but it causes problems when buying stuff. Remember that time over the summer when I broke down crying about toothbrushes? I am in a world now that is very practical and in the moment, and doesn't allow me the-- dare I say-- luxury of wondering about what my money is feeding into.

Winter, I think, is taking it's toll. I can't wait for green to sprout from the ground again and re-energize the life that I usually feel. I'm happy these days, but it's a healthy happy, not a 'the world dazzles me at every turn' happy. And is that right there just self indulgent? That being emotionally healthy and happy isn't enough for me?

I'm still recovering from 2008, I think is the bottom line. There's a new president, which I can barely even conceive of, but I'm still hurt from the last one. I'm still stunned at the torture that has gone on underneath our noses (You wanted to hear about what pisses me off? This. ), a result of our blind trust that Americans can't possibly be doing anything that wrong, due to the very fact that American's are doing it.

Similarly, and I don't mean to go from international humanitarian crises to personal relationship breakup, but I'm still recovering from being dumped. Even though I've done everything imaginable to work through the healing process at a slow and steady pace. It has been nearly a year, and perhaps it's the onset of February, which was my least favorite month before it ended my relationship, but now I dread the next month like cancer. I met with him a while ago, we talked over coffee (except that I'm not drinking coffee anymore... !!!... thanks to some really annoying medical problems.) and I got some things off my chest, and it was a very healthy conversation. Still jolting, can't quite bring myself to say "good," but healthy.

Having griped about all that, I will go back to the point that life is quite great. I often find myself a little bit stunned by it. I'm in a fantastic relationship in which I do not feel overly insecure. I would talk more about that, though this doesn't quite seem like the proper place for it. And in the midst of this economic recession, where I have negative dollars to my name, my quality of life is none the less quite stable.

I'm becoming more comfortable with my complete discomfort with religion. I've been reading a bunch of books (or listening to them in on CD the car) about all sort of incarnations of interactions among religion, politics, society, sexuality, reason, etc. and these sorts of things have been consuming my thoughts and conversations. That will probably become an emerging theme in my writing here. I used to want to like Christianity more than I do now. I've sort of given up on it... on believing in the value of religion in general. It is beginning to look more and more counter-productive to me.

So, there's me. At the moment.

Dear Kelly

we have sucked at keeping in touch. I believe we will continue to suck, but that won't stop me from trying to find new ways to suck at staying in contact with you.

I started this blog during "book study," when our conversations inevitably veered off on some tangent that pissed us off about the book we were all reading, how the author seems to be missing the point, blah blah blah, and the hour or so of discussion we had never seemed to be enough. I always had videos and articles and sound bites and book or film recommendations I wanted to share with everybody.

Shall we try again? There are two possible ways we could do this. Please leave a comment and tell me which you would prefer.

A) I will make you an author on this blog, so you can also post here.

B) I will set up a separate blog for you, so you can have your own space, which might not be a bad idea for you anyway. We could have links between the two pages, but each have our own space, and we could respond to each others entries, or be free to, as we will certainly do, veer off on some tangent.

I have a slight preference for Option B, as I think it will be a bit less confusing to read and follow. But you may prefer Option A, it being a bit simpler for you. What do you think?

Please leave a comment.

(You should be able to log in to your gmail/google account and use that account for blogger.)

Robyn

politics

The most optimistic and inspiring commentary on the current state of American politics I've heard yet... listen here.

Happy New Year!

a little love

Can I just say how wonderful it is to have a group of friends who are with me in the struggle to be an ethical consumer in the United States of America?

I was out gift shopping today, and was feeling overwhelmed with how tedious the decision making process is when trying to be a conscious consumer, and found that I had good people that I could call and talk to about it, who understood the dilemma without making me feel silly for caring, or uncaring for considering buying the thing anyway. It was so good to be reminded that I'm not alone. I was encouraged and supported, and I realized how lucky I am to have such good, understanding people in my life.

Thanks guys! I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and New Year!

Honey, when are we moving to Scandinavia?

... really I'd settle for almost anywhere in Europe. Except Greece.

http://www.poverty.com/internationalaid.html

Happy Christmas Consumption!

Lisa sent me a link to this video called the Story of Stuff. 'Tis the season!

I've posted part 5, and the other parts can be seen here.

no title...

could adequately describe this video. It's long, and you might feel like stopping it part way through. But don't.

when closed minds collide

In honor of the Mormons who came to my door today:


Christian Guy Totally Owns Mormons - Watch more free videos

The arrogance coming from both ends of this conversation is hilarious to me, and yet, so very disturbing.