where I am now

Some days, I have no idea where I am or how I got here. Not in a mental breakdown kind of way, just in a "wait, this is me? This is my life?" kind of way.

But I love it. I love almost every minute of it. Except for the moments where I feel guilty about it. Where I feel like I have it too easy and soon I'll pay the price for working my 24 hour work weeks at my easy-but-never-boring job, for eating delicious meals that I'm only responsible for preparing on Thursdays, for taking advantage of the fact that I can leave for the night to visit my boyfriend and one of my roommates will let the dog out in the morning.

I have no money. Most of the time I don't take notice of this fact, but it causes problems when buying stuff. Remember that time over the summer when I broke down crying about toothbrushes? I am in a world now that is very practical and in the moment, and doesn't allow me the-- dare I say-- luxury of wondering about what my money is feeding into.

Winter, I think, is taking it's toll. I can't wait for green to sprout from the ground again and re-energize the life that I usually feel. I'm happy these days, but it's a healthy happy, not a 'the world dazzles me at every turn' happy. And is that right there just self indulgent? That being emotionally healthy and happy isn't enough for me?

I'm still recovering from 2008, I think is the bottom line. There's a new president, which I can barely even conceive of, but I'm still hurt from the last one. I'm still stunned at the torture that has gone on underneath our noses (You wanted to hear about what pisses me off? This. ), a result of our blind trust that Americans can't possibly be doing anything that wrong, due to the very fact that American's are doing it.

Similarly, and I don't mean to go from international humanitarian crises to personal relationship breakup, but I'm still recovering from being dumped. Even though I've done everything imaginable to work through the healing process at a slow and steady pace. It has been nearly a year, and perhaps it's the onset of February, which was my least favorite month before it ended my relationship, but now I dread the next month like cancer. I met with him a while ago, we talked over coffee (except that I'm not drinking coffee anymore... !!!... thanks to some really annoying medical problems.) and I got some things off my chest, and it was a very healthy conversation. Still jolting, can't quite bring myself to say "good," but healthy.

Having griped about all that, I will go back to the point that life is quite great. I often find myself a little bit stunned by it. I'm in a fantastic relationship in which I do not feel overly insecure. I would talk more about that, though this doesn't quite seem like the proper place for it. And in the midst of this economic recession, where I have negative dollars to my name, my quality of life is none the less quite stable.

I'm becoming more comfortable with my complete discomfort with religion. I've been reading a bunch of books (or listening to them in on CD the car) about all sort of incarnations of interactions among religion, politics, society, sexuality, reason, etc. and these sorts of things have been consuming my thoughts and conversations. That will probably become an emerging theme in my writing here. I used to want to like Christianity more than I do now. I've sort of given up on it... on believing in the value of religion in general. It is beginning to look more and more counter-productive to me.

So, there's me. At the moment.